Mediocrity

I’ve been thinking – I’m not at all alright – there’s something wrong – I need an intervention – I need a group, like AA, but there is no group for my problem – this is strange because I’m certain that my problem has got to be among the most widespread (if not the most) problem on earth – mediocrity – I need a twelve-step program, but there isn’t one, so I’m starting one – I figure if the drunks and fatties and crazies can have one – there’s a Clutterers Anonymous for godsake – then I can have one too – I was going to call it MA, but the masturbators and the marijuana and methadone junkies already have it, so I’m calling it MAX – Mediocritics (Mediocrities? Mediocritites? Mediocres? – I haven’t decided which is best) Anonymous – I’m not sure what the X is for – maybe Generation X – we are, to be sure, the most mediocre of them all – maybe the X stands for all the areas in which we don’t excel – I like the X regardless because (besides the obvious reasons) MAX is the Latin morpheme for greatness which is what we lack the most – zero greatness – our world need greatness and I can’t find it anywhere – we need an intervention and MAX is here with the answers we need – we must steps toward recovery and since this is my idea, I’ll begin – hi, my name is Max, and I’m a Mediocritic – “HI MAX”
STEP 1 – I admit that I have no power over my mediocrity—that my life has become pathetic.
STEP 2 – I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity – I have to admit that I’m not entirely sure what this means – Maybe Stephen Covey
STEP 3 – I’ve made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him – again, I’m a little confused – either God is or God isn’t – why would I turn my will and life over to my understanding of God when my understanding is so likely flawed – anyway, moving on
STEP 4 – I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and let me tell you, it was pathetic
STEP 5 (here’s the kicker) – I will admit to God, to myself, and to the world all of my shortcomings (both real and imaginary) – This is where you come in – I’ll give you the short list:
Shortcoming #1: I DO NOT PARTICULARLY LIKE NUTRITIOUS FOOD: we were at a couple’s house recently and they are seriously healthy eaters and she (Laura) was spouting off facts about eating – at one point she mentioned something along the lines of eating a sandwich or a bowl of cereal or something (I wasn’t really listening) was equivalent to eating five Snickers bars and I thought “why the hell have I been eating sandwiches when, all this time I could have been eating Snickers bars.” Perhaps this explains my ever-increasing pants size.
Shortcoming #2 : I’M NOT A VERY GOOD TEACHER : I had a small epiphany today – one of the reasons I think I probably enjoy teaching so much is that it’s a gigantic ego boost – the fact that high school students are so incredibly stupid makes me feel, via comparison, amazingly intelligent and wise – I’m infinitely smarter that your average high school student, and as it turns out the minority of smart ones actually like me and I like them – the really stupid ones almost always hate me, but in light of their immense stupidity – their disdain can easily be viewed as a compliment – which of course is how I view it – My feeling is that if the whiners are not whining, I’m probably not doing my job. (Of course, there is always the argument that asserts that I believe the ones that like me are more intelligent than the ones that don’t b/c I’m a self-centered, narcissistic egomaniac, and while that may be true, I admit nothing)
Shortcoming #3 : I’M BETTER AT SMOKING CIGARETTES THAN I AM AT ANYTHING ELSE: everyone’s got to be good at something, right – I love cigarettes and smoke them at every available opportunity – it’s a good thing that I’m only addicted to nicotine and not something really serious like heroine or crack b/c if I were I’d definitely be a crackwhore (obviously I’m not saying that I’d have sex with you for a cigarette, but on the other hand – how many cigarettes are we talking about?)
Shortcoming #4 : I DON'T CARE AT ALL – at this point in the schoolyear, I just want to get it over with and it takes every ounce of vigor I can muster to just pretend like I care if they study for their upcoming tests – since most of my tests are essay tests its better for me if they don’t study b/c obviously wrong and blank answers are incredibly easy to grade – so by all means little munchkins, watch TV and hang out at the malls and makeout with your girlfriends whatever you need to do to avoid studying b/c it saves me tons of time and effort.
Shortcoming #5 : I DON’T EXERCISE
Shortcoming #6 : I CONSTANTLY PROCRASTINATE
Shortcoming #7 : I WASTE TOO MUCH TIME
Shortcoming #8 : I HAVE NO SELF-DISCIPLINE
Shortcoming #9 : I HAVE TROUBLE SEEING THINGS THROUGH TO COMPLETION – you know what, I’ve completely lost interest in this idea – screw it – forget I said anything